If I were a pencil, my last semester at Cornell Engineering was the meanest, harshest sharpener I've ever met. Wore my self-esteem and confidence down to a sad little nub.

I've been seeping in an emotional and creative slump the past several months. I felt like I just couldn't do anything. I felt helpless and pathetic. Like no matter what I did, I'd probably just end up disappointing myself anyway, so why try? Good lord, depression's awful!

Happily, though I think I'm finally climbing out of that dark place. I'm hoping to start an art journal to work my way through the rest of it. I made my first spread last night! And I've made three legitimate pieces in the past two weeks. Considering where I'm coming from, that's a huge accomplishment.

I also just ordered a new digital camera! That should certainly help with referencing and resourcing. I've been doing without one for ten months now, and when you're so busy, it's crucial to be able to capture something inspiring in a snap. And I just got finished reformatting my PC, so I can actually run Photoshop and Painter again without having my computer crash - literally - every five minutes.

Hopefully the next few weeks will see ten times more productivity than the past three months. I've got my determination back, and stronger than ever.

--Kat

I miss art so much. So, so sickeningly much.

How did I let it get this far? How did I let myself go this long without MAKING something? I can't stand it.

Yes, college is super-stressful. Yes, I have almost no free time as an engineering student. But art is a priority, art is why I decided to go into engineering, art is what makes me happy, and I'm not going to let it go anymore. I can't!

New goal: Make something - anything! Even if it's just a quick dodle - once a week at MINIMUM. Ideally, every single day.

OMG OMG OMG. Boyfriend got me an Intuos3 for my birthday. FREEEEAKING OUT. Whaaaaat?!

BLISS. HEAVEN. AND RAPTUREMENT.

AP Art is stressful. Fortunately, though, it forces me to make a lot more stuff in a really short amount of time! So I've produced about ten times as much stuff in just four months.. I'm so excited. Hopefully I’ll be posting a lot of that stuff here soon. I haven’t updated in eons.

I'm losing my obsessive perfectionism – that thing that has practically DEFINED me in every art class I’ve been in. I’m the obsessive perfectionist. I’m shedding that. Now I look to create something, express an opinion or spread a message - which to me is so much more admirable than just being able to copy what you see perfectly. After all, isn’t that what a camera is for?

I feel like I'm going through an artistic awakening, cheesy as it sounds. All my life people have told me I'm a brilliant artist because I can "draw things well." Meaning, when I look at something and try to draw it? It looks like what I was looking at. Whoopie. That's not a great accomplishment in my eyes. I'd much rather be able to draw what I imagine - which I don't think I'll ever be able to do. But I am getting closer. I don't care if everyone else things I'm "losing my edge." Like Picasso said, “You need to know the rules before you can break them." I feel like I know the rules. I know how to draw.

It's kicking those principles in the ass which is so exhilarating.